October 16, 2011
Satire from Dan Ohrenstein
And now for a little satirical commentary from Dan Ohrenstein, reposted from his Facebook. Protesters are always wrong. Why? Because the world is just! People always get exactly what they deserve. The jobless, therefore, possess a defect of character that inevitably led them to destitution and shame. Likewise, victims of cancer die simply because they are not proactive enough in curing cancer. In addition, species which meet extinction in the course of industrialization failed to adapt or otherwise make themselves useful and, thus, deserve oblivion. The protesters are uneducated about this fundamental fact to reality: it is as foolish to think one can change the economic system as it is foolish to think one can change Nature, for modern capitalism derives from Nature and its one law: survival of the fittest. It is our duty to Nature to let the meek, the unproductive, and the unfortunate perish in misery. It must be so. If that vile consortium of riff-raff clogging the glorious halls of Wall Street have a legitimate grievance, then remedy already exists: they can buy controlling share in the world's largest banks and democratically vote out the managers they do not like. It's that easy! So, there's no need and, further, no right to whine about one's lot. One's destiny is secured in one's character. And, we have no greater example of wisdom, compassion, courage, creativity, and ability than the executives of our major corporations, who only want what is best for us. It is just that, with their infallible vision, these masters of the universe be charged with directing our society's blood and treasure where they are needed the most, namely: in the service of enriching our noble executives, financiers, and captains of industry to the fullest extent they deserve. They are our finest citizens, and, in serving themselves, serve us all. As a dog does not complain eating scraps off the table of his master, so too should those anarchists, those pestilent protesters give thanks to our flawless financiers. What a shame they have to step over those piles of indigence on their way to make an honest living. Let us all stop complaining and give thanks to our great and glorious masters: the omniscient, omnipotent, and omnibenevolent businessmen of Wall Street.